


he'll never love you like I can

by Iiteru



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Also fluff, Angst, Break Up, College AU, I might edit the ending in the morning, I wrote this because my angst playlist came on, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, It's 1 am why did I feel compelled to write angst, M/M, Moving On, Seonghwa centric, Unrequited Love, aka cheating, college student san, i'm not even sorry, kind of, san is cute, there's a happy ending if that's any consolation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 21:11:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17495450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iiteru/pseuds/Iiteru
Summary: “Are you cheating on me?” He asked softly. They were sat at the kitchen table, one of the rare nights that Hongjoong had stayed to see morning. The smaller of the two had paused, face blank, eyes lost in the milk of his cereal bowl.“Do you really think I would cheat on you?” He snapped, tone sharp and so uncharacteristically not Hongjoong. “Don’t you trust me?”When Hongjoong stopped spending the night a week later, he should’ve known where he was sleeping.





	he'll never love you like I can

**Author's Note:**

> y'all probably think I mainly ship Sanhwa based on the fact that literally every piece of Ateez content I have uploaded here thus far includes them or implications of them, but they aren't even my main ship in Ateez??? Anyways, sorry about this angst. Moral of the story, please don't cheat on your s/o. And, if you have suspicions/catch them in the act/find out, please just end things. No matter how hard it is, things will always get better and you'll find someone that will love you unconditionally.
> 
> Title is from Sam Smith's "Like I Can" !

At first, they were perfect. 

The poster image of the ideal couple; Happy, unable to keep their hands to themselves, seemingly helplessly in love with one another. They were individually successful in their own respects, unified by a little something called love, independence amplified by the premise of labels and sickly sweet poetry.

They were the couple idolized in cliché romance literature, fawned over by youth on dramas and sappy soap operas. Smiles never seemed to leave their faces in the presence of one another and, even when they weren’t coordinated, there was no denying that they were together. They looked like they belonged with one another: like they completed one another. Nobody could deny at first glance that what Park Seonghwa and Kim Hongjoong had was special.

Things were absolutely perfect between them. Perfect from first glance, perfect in Instagram photos and grammatically flawless status updates. Perfect from the outside for their relationship's entirety. Perfect on the inside as well... but only at first.

When they first started to date, Seonghwa was guarded, protective of his heart. He was careful of love, anything but reckless, but something about Hongjoong wore him down. Because of him, those walls, the copious amounts of them, crashed down faster than he ever expected. The hopelessness of his love was something foreign but strangely familiar, something he had always craved but never realized. It was the ability to be himself, the tantalizing feeling of acceptance that warmed his soul. It was the openness that he had longed to share with someone for so long so blissfully sweet that he allowed himself to get lost in it. 

He told Hongjoong everything. He confided in him about everything, trusted him with everything. His heart, open, extended out to his lover in a way previously reserved. To him, he spilled every secret, every insecurity lodged deep within. He was vulnerable, weak, so incredibly engrossed in his own emotions, and Hongjoong was always there to welcome them with open arms and a kiss pressed softly to his lips.

It wasn’t until the third month that things started to change. Or, perhaps he was far too oblivious and in love to notice them sooner.

Hongjoong became inconsistent. Where there had always been a plus one, he started to attend events alone. It was the painful reality of the drifting apart that drove him insane, the hypothetical indignity of it all. It was the eight hour gaps between text messages, the quick replies that seemed copied and pasted. The way that Hongjoong became protective over his belongings, secretive. How when Seonghwa would wake up in the morning, there would always be an empty space in his bed.

How when they spoke on the phone and Seonghwa said “I love you”, he heard nothing back.

“Are you cheating on me?” He asked softly. They were sat at the kitchen table, one of the rare nights that Hongjoong had stayed to see morning. It was out of nowhere, spoken into the silence that had grown all too uncomfortably familiar. The smaller of the two had paused, face blank, eyes ablaze as he looked up from his breakfast.

“Do you really think I would cheat on you?” He snapped, tone sharp and so uncharacteristically not Hongjoong. “Don’t you trust me?” 

Seonghwa had fallen silent afterwards and hastily apologized. It was silly of of him to have doubts, there was no reason that he would ever cheat, right? Hongjoong was the love of his life, he was incapable of something so evil. Perfect little Hongjoong who Seonghwa held on a pedestal. Hongjoong with his angelic laughter, love of the world, and tiny hands. He assured him that he was just paranoid, worried about losing a good thing. Then, after a buzz of his phone on the counter, he scurried to get dressed and slipped out the door, leaving Seonghwa alone with his cereal and a heavy heart. 

When Hongjoong stopped spending the night a week later, he should’ve known where he was sleeping.

When he saw the new contact on his lock screen, he should’ve known better. He should’ve known about the secret codes that flashed in notification bars, the messages he read through when Hongjoong left his phone on the table. That the “he” in the texts meant _Seonghwa_ and that "baby" in his contacts didn't.

 _He won’t be home._ They read. _I cancelled my plans with him._

He should’ve listened to his instincts when he first saw the word “Tonight?” flash across his screen. He should’ve confronted him then, should’ve left, should’ve done anything but sit there and take it. But there was something, something so terrifyingly world-shattering about letting Hongjoong go that made him stay. Something about his eyes, the warmth of palms pressed against his cheeks, and the radiant smiles that grew fewer and harder to come by that made his heart ache with premature loss.

And, perhaps, the thought of losing Hongjoong hurt more than the reality of it. 

A week later came the night of the argument. It was the night that Seonghwa swallowed his frustrations and insecurities, his worries, his fears. It was the night that everything crashed down. When everything that had been on his heart came out all at once in a flurry of fast paced rambling and tears.

That was the night that Hongjoong confessed to everything. He admit that he had been cheating, and that it had been going on for almost as long as their relationship had... That while Seonghwa confessed his "I love you", there was another man somewhere whispering it as an empty promised passed between teeth and the nape of his neck.

It was the truth, the reality that Hongjoong cared enough about that man, a man that could never possibly be as infatuated, to keep seeing him that hurt the most. But perhaps Hongjoong felt the way that Seonghwa did. Not for him. No, buy the mystery man. Mystery man who only texted in codes and arrangements of secret meetings. 

The only question he could choke out as Hongjoong recalled the various nights spent in another man’s bed was a nothing more than a broken “why?”

The response was a series of slurred reasonings. They were bullshit responses strung together in a half-assed attempt to justify breaking someone’s heart, none of which connected to form any coherent thought. With every word, every jumbled claim to defend himself, Seonghwa’s heart shattered further. There were tears in his eyes as he asked Hongjoong to leave. To leave him alone, to go. Go to the man he’d rather spend all of his time with anyways.

He did. 

Hongjoong left, and he never came back.

The only thing worse than losing Hongjoong was the effort of explaining it; The cycle of repeating himself and the same recycled responses.

It was the haze of forced smiles, the lies like “we were just growing apart” and “he needs time to himself” passed over coffee and noisy dinner outings. It was the way his heart ached every time someone asked him if they kept in touch... The way that part of him wished they had. 

But the true loneliness only crept in when he was alone. Truly alone. 

Nights when the right side of the bed felt more like an enemy than a source of comfort. How it felt as if to even think of filling it with any other body was wrong... As if it were permanently a space that only Hongjoong could truly ever occupy. 

It was the way that he visited all of their favorite restaurants on auto pilot, the way he listened to the songs that meant the most to them. How he refused to throw out the dumb little toys from cereal boxes that Hongjoong always loved. It extended to the way that his reflection betrayed him. He felt the loneliness in the way that his insecurities crept back into his life, unwanted. How everything he thought about himself negatively crashed in on him as he met his own eyes in the mirror. His inner demons manifested themselves into the uncertainty of his smile when friends complimented him, nobody around to reassure him at the end of the night with soothing words and light conversation. 

However, nothing ever truly happens without purpose. It's often when one least expects it that the best things come. And, ironically, manifest themselves from the remnants of tragedy.

It was over a month after their breakup when Seonghwa had decided to visit one of his favorite coffee shops. It was the place he had taken Hongjoong on their first date so, so lonh ago. Back when things were pure and exclusive between them and smiles were abundant. Perhaps it was on the off chance that he might run into him, see a glimpse of the face he hadn't seen since that night, but that wasn't what happened. Instead, he found someone else. 

Seonghwa sat alone, drink warm against chilled ivory fingertips as he thumbed listlessly through his phone. He didn’t even notice at first when a stranger sat in front of him, drawn only from his post-breakup haze by the melodic ring of a soft “hello?”

As he looked up, he was met with perhaps the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen in his life. part of him wondered how long it had been since he'd seen someone other than Hongjoong so utterly gorgeous. But him...Warm brown eyes, dark hair tucked into a beret. A smile that took up his entire face, dimples perfectly prominent at both corners of his mouth. Beautiful lips upturned to reveal a brilliant set of teeth just as perfect as the rest of him.

“You looked lonely, I thought I'd give you some company.” 

He held out a hand, action elegant in a way so hypnotizingly handsome yet beautiful at the same time. Seonghwa shook it and introduced himself.

“Choi San,” The boy replied. Seonghwa didn’t miss the way his heart skipped a beat as the smile stretched across his face again.

They talked for awhile. Seonghwa complained about his breakup as lightly as possible, and San offered a calm, unbiased opinion. He offered a new perspective to it all. The "Hongjoong" situation, as he referred to it. And, for some reason, he was the first person he ever told the entire story to outside of his immediate friend group. It was comfortable, so blissfully comfortable. There was something about San that was hard to put words to. He felt like home; Welcoming, warm, and genuine in an inviting way that made him smile meaningfully for the first time in a while.

“I'd really like to do this again,” San said at the end. He slid a tiny piece of paper across the table, that same gorgeous smile lighting up his features as he passed by. “So... call me?”

And, just like that, he was gone. Seonghwa’s eyes flickered between the paper and the doorway, his own smile glued to his face in the giddy way of schoolyard crushes and new beginnings. Inside was a phone number and a name. His smile only grew when he noticed the little heart at the end. San was long gone, off to do whatever it was that independent college students did, and Seonghwa felt lucky to hold the key to reach him. 

Suddenly, the events of the past month didn’t seem so terribly detrimental. There was a new face in his life, the beautiful boy named Choi San. Choi San with his stuffed animal collection and his perfect dimples. The boy he called and started to see regularly at the coffee shop. The boy who introduced him to all of his friends, dragged him through the street by his hand, and whined when he didn't get his way. San, with his messy handwriting, soothing voice, and caramel macchiatos. 

Choi San. Choi San and the fact that he made Seonghwa believe that maybe, just maybe, he could fall in love again.

And that maybe, just maybe, it could be with him.


End file.
